InTheStreet

It is fucking wedding season (I don’t care what Wedding Crashers says. Wedding season is kind of awful).

My opinion is that the men who wear their own suit to a wedding look much better than those in the penguin gear and here is why: shitting fitting.

I had to go to Today’s Man to get a tux fitted. I didn’t try on a jacket or pants. I stood there in my shorts and tshirt while they took my measurements, wrote it down and I shelled out $180 bucks for a tux that is going to fit like shit.

Now you will say

But Guy, $180 bucks for one night isn’t that bad. Stop your fucking complaining.

And I will tell you to shut your goddamn yapper. You are a fucking pussy.

When I put on one of my suits (that I had expertly tailored and one of them even custom made for me) I feel powerful. I feel handsome. I feel like when I walk into that room I own it. A well fitting suit on a man is to women what sexy lingerie on a nice pair of tits or amazing ass is to men.

So here is the deal men. We are smart. We are cunning. We are looking out for our friends. It’s time to get rid of the one size fits all penguin jumpers and switch to a black suit. That’s right. A black suit. It’s 2012.

From a pure monetary standpoint a suit may cost $500 or $600 bucks sure, but I will wear it for 2-4 years 4-5x a year. Get it? That’s 37 a year if I wear it 4x a year for 4 years.

Not only will everyone at the alter look like James Bond but the suits will actually fit. You will have better looking friends than your wife who made all of her friends fit into an ugly purple dress with frills or some shit. 

Bonus: these are your best friends. You want them with you at the alter, you should be with them when they get a suit for one of the most important days of your life. Block out a weekend and have everyone come to you. Go to a suit store and make a day of it. Get tailored. Tell stories. Drink whiskey. Smoke a cigar. Enjoy the time while you have it.

It’s the year 2012. Do we really need to be safety pinning these athletes numbers on the back of their uniforms? Can’t we think of anything, you know, less stupid?

Pretty much when you’re in a relationship you cannot have any new friends.

That is fucking bullshit.

If you want a new friend (especially one of the opposite sex) be prepared for a world of verbal hurt.

Batten down the hatches.

A storm is coming.

Grab your man by the tie and in one fell swoop pull him close into you*, give him a smile out the corner of your mouth, put your other hand behind his head and kiss him.

Hard.

*try not to bang heads. Although none of us are perfect.

Get the fuck out of my city.

You are way too fucking fat to walk down the sidewalk.

I can’t navigate my own neighborhood because tourists are compelled to eat 2x their body weight in KFC.

This is New York fucking City.

I have nowhere in particular to go but I have to get there NOW.

When you, your significant other and your fat ass children are wobbling down the sidewalk like fucking penguins, believe it or not you are preventing people from going about their daily life.

I can’t pass you because if I get too close to you I have a fear of getting sucked into your gravitational pull. I can’t cross the street cause your obese soul-mate is taking up the sidewalk on that side also.

So either lose some weight before you come here or take a fucking cab.

After talking with those two women at the bar this past weekend I realized that we (as in men) try way to hard to plan the “perfect” date.

Guys: who the fuck asked you to plan the perfect date?

Seriously. Did she say to you “plan the most spectacular, mindblowingly awesome date.”?

Probably not. Remember, she is going out with you in the first place because you are either:

1. attractive
2. funny
3. sexy
4. interesting
5. tall
6. have similar interests

Or a host of other reasons.

Plan something that shows off the reason as to why she agreed to go out with you in the first place. Chances are a big, fancy, expensive dinner isn’t going to show off jack shit.

Unless she went out with you for your money.

Which isn’t entirely unheard of.

Nothing infuriates me more than someone who is a literal walking contradiction.

What do I mean?

I once dated a dental hygienist who was a smoker. 

Yeah, not going to fly sweet heart.

That’s like being an over-weight personal trainer (what? You going to fucking personally train me to eat donuts?)

Or a doctor who has had a triple bypass cause he eats too much red meat.

Or a divorce attorney who is currently paying alimony.

You get the point.

Needless to say not only was she incredibly beautiful, funny, witty and sucked my cock like a pair of Louboutin pumps were going to appear when I was finished, I just could not get over the fact that she was a smoker and all day was telling people not to do that.

They really do.

Women get this view as being clingy when they meet a guy.

News break: guys, some of you are just as fucking bad.

I can’t tell you all the things I have seen at bars. But here are some of my favorite:

1. Man buys a girl a drink. Talk for 20 minutes. She dances with another guy. Original guy looses his shit.
2. Girl shows up to a bar with her girlfriends. Gets a text from a guy she is kind of interested in tells him to meet up. Looses whatever chance he had because he is saran wrap.
3. Where are you? What are you doing? Who are you with? Can I come hangout with you and people I have never met before and make things super awkward for you? By the way I am outside the restaurant you are currently at.

Guys. Slow your fucking role.

1. She owes you jack fucking shit if you buy her a drink. It’s not like you peed on her and now she is your property.
2. Keep her on lock down and she will lock you out.
3. No one likes a surprise visit from anyone cause it’s always the wrong time.

The Olympics offically start on Friday.

Who is using the opening ceremony as a date?